Bibles & Coffee

May your coffee be strong & your faith stronger

#RealTalk

Jackie Rau

Lets talk real. Because sometimes the things that have hurt us the most in our lives are the things that can open up someone else's hurting heart to realize they are not alone.

 

One year ago this week my life had its second largest 'crash, bang, booms' in my 25yrs of life. The first being finding out that my mom was a 10+yr long meth addict. I spent the first half of last year watching her go in and out of psych wards for months. I watched her so drugged in the hospitals that she would literally fall asleep in her plate of food at dinner time. I witnessed her run away from a hospital leaving me to go to the local police station to file a missing persons report. I witnessed her run away from rehab and crawl over our balcony in the middle of the day because she didn't agree with them. I've witnessed her sober up and attend her AA meetings and I've witnessed her relapse and hear 'voices' controlling her every move.

 

One year ago you wouldn't ever have guess that I was going through anything out of the norm, I held myself together very well. You wouldn't have known that I was financially making more than triple what I am now, I tried to keep that on the DL. You wouldn't have ever imagined the amount of anxiety and mental abuse I was encountering each and every day living in a world of wonder and questioning how I got to this point of such unhappiness in my life.

 

Its funny how when things "seem perfect" on social media and in small chat they most likely are the exact opposite.... A year ago today I walked away from a horribly toxic 3yr long job that even talking about gives me a sense of anxiety that makes me feel like I need to literally pull my hair out, cry and curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I walked away with NO back up plan, barely any savings, a pep talk and support from my sister and boyfriend and that was it.

 

Looking back now, I can't help but thank Jesus for guiding me to this new season this year. He has blessed me with the most patient, understanding and loving man. He guided me through 4 months of unemployment and guided me to a new career. He blossomed a ministry in a season of my life when flowers shouldn't have survived. He has been by my side every step of the way, it just took me saying "Jesus I need YOU" for Him to open my eyes to what life is really about.

 

So for you who feel under qualified, unworthy, unloved, confused, abused, misplaced, misunderstood- no matter what you are feeling- YOU are LOVED, YOU are CARED FOR and UNDERSTOOD and WORTHY.

 

Just because God put me through all of this doesn't mean He doesn't love me, looking back- I was the ONLY person in my moms presence CAPABLE of helping her. I was the only person that could even attempt to help her. If I hadn't, nobody would have. Im thankful for the hard times I've encountered, I'm thankful because it's clearer than ever that life will never work out how we intend for it to because its not in our control.

 

God's grace saved me. His grace continues to save me. Hurt and pain are guaranteed in this world. Jesus tells is that we will have trouble BUT that we can take heart because He has overcome the world! (John 16:33)

 

Everyone is always going to be going through different seasons in their life but we all have the same love and worth in Jesus Christ- that won't ever change. Praying for you all.

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