Bibles & Coffee

May your coffee be strong & your faith stronger

Light in darkness, my testimony

Jackie Rau

I don't share this for sympathy or to feel sorry for, but rather to share with you all that without all my hurtful, painful and traumatizing experiences in my short 25 yrs of life (most of which aren't stated here) I wouldn't be the person I am today. God has shown me that my upbringing isn't my destiny and He has given me more understanding and patience than I even know what to do with when it comes to my mom. Everything I've see in life has given me growth to sow different seeds than I was harvested from and I'm learning that that's OKAY.

Deep breath....  

22 yrs ago my parents divorced and I was too little to understand.

20 yrs ago I was watching my parents divorce get dirtier and dirtier. Spending countless hours watching them fight over me resulted in them buying me 'things' to make me love one of them more. They were fighting over me but never devoting time to me, to teach me about life and just encourage me to be a child. I was cooking for myself by the time I was 8 and watching over myself when my sister couldn't take care of me.

9 yrs ago I bounced around trying to figure out what parents home was "home" but neither felt like it.

7 yrs ago I found out my mom was in a abusive relationship when her boyfriend pulled a gun on her right in front of me. I found out later that night that her head was being used to mop her bathroom tub and she had multiple knives held to her throat by a man I thought loved her. My guilt was overwhelming and still is at times, I slept in the room right next to her, we shared a wall separating our rooms and I never heard a thing. He went to prison and she never stopped loving him...

6 yrs ago I left California to go to college as far away as I could get from all this craziness.

4 yrs ago I moved back home to take a job I never imagined could ever end up as toxic and disgusting as it did. It was in the years I worked there that I very much learned that money isn't the source of happiness.

2 yrs ago my mom was taken away by police on a 5150 and placed in a psychiatric ward where I found out she was a meth addict and had been for over 10yrs.

A year and a half ago I found out that my mom married this man while he was in prison, didn't tell anyone and weeks later didn't remember doing it.

That's when I knew there was nothing I could physically do in this world to help my mom and turned my heart to God.

My world was crashing on me. Literally the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I never knew who or what God was all about, but in these years of hurt, doubt and not feeling loved I learned so so much.

My life was forced on hold while I traveled daily to see her in mental institutions. Some days she was so medicated she would fall asleep in her food right in front of me, other days she would scream at me for putting her there and curse at me and call me vulgar names and few- very very few times she would hold a normal conversation with me and we would hug.

On release of her first hospital I told the dr that she didn't seem okay to come home and I was scared. She was being readmitted and had asked to use the restroom, but she ran away instead. I ended up at the police filing for a missing person. At that moment in time nothing was worse than that police station visit- Knowing that your mom had no money, no ID, no phone, no laces on her shoes (psych ward protocol) and was nowhere near home. Then 'a friend' called and said she was with her and I came to pick her up. I later found out this 'friend' was her dealer and my mom relapsed.

She went in and out of multiple hospitals, most of which I had to physically drag her to my car and hold her seatbelt fastened while I drove because the voices in her head would tell her to jump out of my car while I was driving. When she would come home I would deal with her curled in a balls crying her eyes out saying people were using lasers to torture her in her head, that they were poisoning her food and worried that they were going to get me at night and rape me. She wouldn't talk to me without listening to what the voices had to say first and they seemed to control her thoughts

She ended up checking into a rehab facility a year ago but she only lasted there 2 weeks before I found her climbing over the balcony and into her room one day with a sheet-bag holding all her stuff from her room there.

As of today I'm 50% sure she has relapsed and I'm 50% sure she suffers from psychosis. Both are terrifying. Both break my heart. Both I pray to God about.

In these years of absolute chaos and imbalance, I thank God that he has kept my head on decently straight; He got me out of a toxic job and gave me a healthy one, He blessed me with an absolutely amazing man that has shown me what the love for Christ is all about, He has shown me love I never knew existed, He has blessed me with the guidance to get to know Him more and turn my heart and problems to Him, He has blessed me with the opportunity to meet so many amazing people over something as silly as social media and He has blessed me with this little business of painting bibles for each of you.

I love my mom dearly, and watching her struggle breaks my heart. I ask for prayer in this time while she figures her life out, I pray that she turns her heart to God and is able to see His love shine bright in the darkness.

 

I encourage every single one of you, no matter what your upbringing may be to trust in Jesus and reap what you sow. Life is so much more than pain and hurt.  

My mama and I on her 50th when she was 3 weeks clean last year

My mama and I on her 50th when she was 3 weeks clean last year